More Than Burdens (II)
***This is actually a post from a few weeks ago, but I thought I'd share it with anyone who cares to kill some time. Part One's giving me some problems, but the things here should still make sense. Anywho, hope you can take something from it. Knock yourself out***
I so desperately just want to walk alone through a city, sail and swim in the ocean, breathe air clear of anger and wanting. I’m not going to say that my personal world is cold: it’s something that even I can’t say. How do you describe something that you are still trying to clear your lens to see? I discreetly observe things and people until it breaks my heart, because most the people I know merely exist, struggling not fighting, too ignorant to see that true living does not require materialistic shit and the bullet-riddled system called a government that WE ALLOW (AND FEED) to guide us, just so we can whine and bitch about it later. And it is with this compassion and desperation that I feel for these people that leaves me stupid when I try to make them see how things are and how good you, yourself, can make them, if you’d: Just. Fucking. Try. That’s also why I’m so conflicted with what to do about things here in little ‘ole Pennsylvania: my whole family just can’t see it. When I was young I was distinctly told that I could be whatever I wanted to be. Weren’t you? So much drilling of that phrase that reality makes me wanna puke when it says that things won’t work out because maybe you aren’t ‘good enough’, or ‘you don’t look the part’. You could do everything that someone ahead of you did, and it is just so set in stone that you’re going to fail or get screwed over.
I am begging for ANYONE to tell me something: WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!! I stand tall (well, average height, kind of) and do things on a level where if I can reach it, I’m gonna own it, even if it means that I have to build a footstool. I hide my emotions from people, and it’s like they go out of their way just to provoke me so they can call me things that just aren’t true. I mind my own business and yet, I’m somehow like a universal confident for so many people that sometimes, I’m overwhelmed, and then torn because I CAN be that ONE person to make a difference for someone. I’ve cleaned up other people’s messes and even hid the evidence without so much as a thank you, and I’ve always tried seeing whatever good there might be in a person and then bringing that best out of them so that they can be more self-loving.
Honestly, though, I think I’m on some sick spirit’s hate list: give a little, give a little more, then surrender yourself and the idea that is you. I can’t ever sleep, and if I do, it’s a sporadic pattern of naps, deep and unfulfilling, or not at all. Recently it’s gotten to where it’s affecting my math work because 4 a.m. is because, to quote Activia, my “new normal”. (“4 a.m.” is a faaantastic song by Avenged Sevenfold, by the way. Seriously, really listen to it.) Sub-consciously, I think I’m on a path of mental self-destruction while I try to maintain my conscious morals. Oftentimes, I just wish I would die. There’s help out there, but I never seemed to have gotten a key to that door.
I don’t put people down, but I am not going to boost a jackass’s ego, and I’m not going to stand by and let things happen when there’s something I can do. In saying that, I feel like my mother…but what the hell do I do NOW?!
I’m sorry about my rambles again, everyone, but I just need to upload some stuff for a while for my brain’s sake. Don’t take what I’ve written personally, unless you actually want to. And for fuck’s sake, I’m sorry about how much I’ve sworn, but I don’t really give a shit ? Don’t like it, then don’t read it because I’m not going to censor myself when there’s much more ridiculous things going on than a few words.
And please, please, PLEASE…it would mean so much if anyone would take a second more to shed some kind of light. Trust me, the bulb’s really worn down on my old one. :(
“You wanna know why, I feel so horrified? I let my innocence die. You wanna know why, I can’t be pacified? You made me bury something. I won’t be sleeping tonight.”
“I have screamed until my bass collapsed. I’ve waited as my time elapsed. Now all I do is live with so much hate.” Duality by Slipknot